It has been fascinating to witness the joy, excitement and nostalgia expressed on social media since the announcement that Oasis are reuniting. I wonder if some of that feeling is about the thought that Noel and Liam are somehow back together, that the years of contentious battles are over. Nostalgia, not only for the 90s and the youth culture of possibility that they represented but for a time when relationships weren’t fractured.
What about those for whom there is much less interest and investment in a reunion? Today is also grief awareness day, and I wanted to think about those whose grief for their sibling isn’t recognised.
When siblings are estranged, there is no doubt that grief will be around. Clients are often surprised when I say this, we often think of grief only for death but grief exists in any experience of loss. Grief is not only for the loss of the sibling but for the identity and roots of the family. Grief for what someone may have thought of their family or relationships. Grief for the lost time and impact on extended family if they do talk again. Clients have sometimes said that it would be simpler if their sibling had died- support would be offered by others, funerals and rituals would take place and good memories wouldn’t be ruined. Much as Oasis were defined by the Gallagher’s tempestuous relationship, relationships can feel as if they were defined by a painful parting. Nostalgia for time past can be painful and distressing.
Except the relationship hasn’t ended, when someone is alive yet absent, we continue to have a form of relationship with their absence and the possibility of the future. It doesn’t fit our normal way of understanding loss. This is the real difficulty for those who are estranged from siblings, it isn’t only hard for those struggling with estrangement but also for those around them causing feelings of loneliness and isolation. Despite statistics suggesting just how common estrangement is, there is great stigma and a general lack of understanding around. You may well have heard Jo Wiley’s interview with Liam Gallagher when she encourages him to just pick up the phone to his brother. It’s no doubt well-meant but reflects the reaction that estrangement often gets from those around us, “can’t you just make it work…I am sure things will get better”. For many, these comments feel like a judgment that somehow, they are to blame for the estrangement and dismissal of the pain involved.
So, what can you do if you are living with this kind of grief? Most important is to reach out to others. There are Facebook groups and other support groups that you can join to talk to others in a similar position or talk to a friend who may be able to support you. If you are finding that you are struggling with this grief, seeing a counsellor can be really helpful. With some psychological work, we can redefine our experience of loss, learn from it, understand ourselves more, and with support, find a new, more hopeful way forward. You can contact me for counselling, online or in person in Sevenoaks, Kent via the “Contact Me” section of this website. To find out more about the therapy that I offer, please do look at the rest of my website. I am a registered practitioner with Axa Health, Aviva, and Vitality and your therapy may be covered by your insurance if you have a policy with them.
Comments