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What is “Shaping Us”? If we want to improve a child’s early life, we can’t forget the parent's shape

Danusia Atkinson

Updated: Sep 19, 2024

Last week the Princess of Wales launched a campaign, “Shaping Us” with the aim of improving society’s understanding of the importance of early childhood. “It affects everything,” she says- very true. Our early experiences affect us in numerous, complicated and crucial ways. It’s not a new concept, it has been written about, researched and explored for years, attachment theory itself was conceived in the 1950s. Perhaps we can hope that this increased attention will inform future Government policies such as the quality of childcare, the importance of children centres, and how the education system is designed. In fact, the list of every policy that needs to be informed by this awareness is almost inexhaustible. One could argue that the law surrounding domestic violence, the law surrounding drug abuse amongst others are as intrinsic to the importance of early childhood, perhaps even policies such as universal basic income. The reality is that a “loving, safe and secure home”, such is the aim of the campaign, cannot be achieved by focusing solely on the child.


Donald Winnicott, the Psychoanalyst, famously said that “there is no such thing as an infant”, by this he meant that with an infant, there must be found maternal care- without it, there is no infant. We can not treat an infant as an individual without acknowledging the profound influence of the caregiver. When we think about early childhood and creating the best possible start for children, we can’t discount the mental health of the parents/caregivers. For Winnicott, the mother and baby are one. The father’s role is to protect the mother and to support this relationship. Whilst we might now recognise that families can look different in many ways and the identity of the caregivers can vary, his concept is clear- the parents hold each other and in turn, hold the baby. The baby is both together and dependent on the parents- their experiences become the baby’s experience. We can’t discount both maternal and paternal pre and perinatal mental health when thinking about early childhood, the impact of domestic violence, financial insecurity, grief and bereavement, and political instability, again the list is inexhaustible.





So where does this leave caregivers? I have worked with mothers and fathers at numerous stages of parenthood in my career in mental health. Whether that is the experience of parenthood after miscarriage or infertility, life with challenging toddlers, the painful end of baby life and separation from children, or the experience of adult relationships with grown-up children- reflecting on what we wish we had done differently, I firmly believe that every parent does the best that they can with what they have at the time. There are some family environments which are abusive and neglectful- none of which should be acceptable and will need specialist support and I am not thinking about these kinds of dynamics here. However, there is no doubt being responsible for a child also affects the caregiver in numerous, complicated and crucial ways. There is also no doubt that some parents will watch the “Shaping Us” campaign with a sense of fear or anxiety- what should I do? what could I do differently? am I harming my child? Again, the list of questions is inexhaustible.


Perhaps instead of the focus on the child as an object being done to, being shaped by others, it is more helpful to think of the family as a whole. Whatever a family looks like, there will be dynamics at play. Each family has its own dance with each person dancing in a particular way. If we think about the family unit rather than focus on one person within, how do we change these dynamics? What if something doesn’t feel right or relationships are strained? I will write more in the coming months about some of the more challenging experiences of parenthood and what we can learn from psychotherapy but I want to start from a place of curiosity and self-compassion. The more we learn about ourselves as parents, the better the impact on our relationships with our children will be. If we can be curious and open ourselves up to thinking about what we find difficult and challenging, we understand what shaped us and perhaps be able to think about what shapes we want to pass on. There is huge pressure, judgement and stigma for parents- every single decision made is a decision that can be challenged by anyone at any time. I recently listened to Dr Gabor Mate being interviewed by Dr Rangan Chatterjee for his Feel Better, live More podcast, in the interview Dr Mate powerfully talks about a time when he hit his son. Reflecting on it, he says “I am not criticising myself or defending myself”. How powerful! How often can we say that about any decision we may make as a parent?


It’s so difficult to be curious and compassionate to ourselves- it’s something that can be explored and developed carefully in a safe, therapeutic environment. You can contact me for counselling, online or in person in Sevenoaks, Kent via the “Contact Me” section of this website. To find out more about the therapy that I offer, please look at the rest of my website.

If you are interested in the strong reactions you might have to your children and what that might mean, please have a look at my previous blog (https://www.danusiaatkinsoncounselling.com/post/what-can-i-learn-from-someone-i-hate)



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