Like many people, I was watching the Gavin and Stacey finale on Christmas Day enjoying the nostalgia of revisiting old and familiar characters. As well as Christmas TV, according to my website stats, many people were spending time looking for and reading articles on how to cope with family estrangement. It's not a surprise to me, Christmas often brings up complicated feelings when we think about the years that have passed or compare our families to the happy families on our screens.
It was a surprise however, that one particular relationship in Gavin and Stacey, that I hadn't recognised before, produced the most moving moment in my opinion. In this moment, when he didn't know what to do, or perhaps couldn't trust his own feelings, Smithy reached out to his friend's father, Mick and asked for his opinion. Mick, who hadn't forced his own opinion on Smithy, responded to this request for support and was clear and truthful with him.
It was a moment that showed the true connection, trust and support between the two. Yet, Mick is not related to Smithy- his son is Smithy's friend but there is no blood connection. Initially, this felt like a moving moment exploring how we can create close relationships with others in our life, whether or not we are related. We can, unknowingly, become a father figure for someone or become a son to someone else without ever having to be biologically connected. Smithy, whose father left when he was little, relied upon Mick as his parental support in a time of need.
However, recognising that we may all be prone to comparisons between our lives and those on screen, what about those who don't have those relationships in their lives. I was left thinking about two things that Smithy does, both here and in the rest of his life in relationships with Gavin and his family that develops these bonds.
First, Smithy isn't afraid to connect with them and reach out to them. He greets them warmly, prioritises times with them, and tells them how important they are to him- maybe not always in the most healthy way but they are never in doubt of his love for them!
Secondly, he continually makes himself vulnerable with them. He doesn't hold back, he cries, he gets angry- he expresses himself as he really feels. He trusts them to not reject him, to not leave and that allows him to be himself.
Both these abilities allow Smithy to make these powerful connections and build these strong relationships. However, these are typically traits that can be difficult for those who are estranged from family. Feeling rejected by a close family member, can leave people scared and unable to trust. What does it mean if someone who was supposed to love us doesn't and how can we be sure that it won't happen again. The truth is, that we can't be sure that people won't hurt us. However, by not connecting and keeping ourselves hidden we prevent ourselves from having those close relationships and harm ourselves.
It sounds simple but it's an extremely difficult thing to do. Counselling can help in a number of ways, first we get to experience a non-judgmental relationship, where we can connect with someone else without the fear of being rejected. Secondly, from this safe and supportive place, we get to look at the patterns in our lives to help us understand how we respond to others. This is often not clear to us until we work this through in psychotherapy. As we recognise that we may be responding to someone as if they are someone from our past that hurt us, we can start to slowly make changes, develop trust and build closer relationships.
You can contact me for counselling, online or in person in Sevenoaks, Kent via the “Contact Me” section of this website. To find out more about the therapy that I offer, please do look at the rest of my website.
Comments