top of page

What happens when we are told we shouldn't be grieving; managing grief and stigma...

The sad and untimely death of Liam Payne was headline news last week.  We won’t know for a while, or ever, exactly what happened in his final moments yet speculation and voyeurism have been rife. There have been many different reactions, leaving me thinking about grief and stigma.   Stigma surrounds us and it is hugely impactful when someone is grieving.  Guilt, shame, and anger are just some of the feelings that those who may not feel supported or able to grieve openly may experience. Two different types of stigma are involved in the public response to Liam's death.  First, the disbelief that anyone can grieve for someone they don’t know, and second, judgment when substances or mental health struggles may have played a role in someone’s death.





There are many comments on the internet, dismissing and downright denigrating, those who are expressing their grief for Liam.  However, grief isn’t simple- it can be many different things.  For many One Direction fans, Liam’s death may well be symbolic of the end of their childhood, a loss of time of innocence, a figure on whom they may have projected all kinds of fantasies and beliefs about the world.   For some fans, the experience may open up older types of grief that they haven’t been able to express before.   You don’t have to be a One Direction fan to feel empathy for someone who felt lost or was struggling to find their place in the world, or for a son who lost his dad so young.  Many people might be left feeling confused as to why they feel affected yet be unable to tell those around them how they feel or get support.


Secondly, I was dismayed to hear a speaker on Radio 4 dismiss Liam’s death as news, calling him “drugged up”.  For those whose loved one died whilst dealing with substances, this attitude effectively blames someone for their own death, dismisses the impact and struggles behind addiction, and shames those who grieve for them.   We know that those who lose someone to suicide or substance use are much more likely to struggle with grief and are more at risk of mental health difficulties.  Being made to feel guilty, ashamed of their loved one, or having their feelings of grief dismissed prevents someone from reaching out to others and leaves them isolated and often feeling negative about themselves.


Dismissing someone’s grief can have a serious impact on the “work” that we do in counselling and psychotherapy to help us grieve in as healthy a way as possible.  If you are grieving but unsure why or feel stigmatised and unsupported, try to approach yourself with compassion. Often when we experience stigma, we can internalise this and talk to ourselves in a harsh and unforgiving way.  Try to talk to yourself with compassion, and empathise that these are difficult feelings. 


If you are finding that you are stuck in grief, cannot understand why you feel the way you do, or feel unable to get support from friends and family then counselling can give you the space and support you may need.   You can contact me for counselling, online or in person in Sevenoaks, Kent via the “Contact Me” section of this website. To find out more about the therapy that I offer, please do look at the rest of my website.  I am a registered practitioner with Axa Health, Aviva, and Vitality and your therapy may be covered by your insurance if you have a policy with them.


 

16 views0 comments

Comments

Couldn’t Load Comments
It looks like there was a technical problem. Try reconnecting or refreshing the page.
bottom of page